The seasons are changing, the clock is ticking and with that, the latest trendy pastime has developed amongst the high-achieving working youth!

Perhaps initially arising as a counter-response to the grind culture and the never ending hustle, popularized on social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram (the most popular time annihilation mechanisms of the 2026), a new trend of "drinking coffee and staring at a goddamn wall" has made its debut!

And as with every trend, the entrepreneurs are quick to try to capitalize off the phenomenon. Seven wall-sitting shops have opened up in the streets of Basel. The current menu mostly consists of a bit of coffee, no newspapers, and a chair. For an extra price of seven dollars, you can also order a few wet patches in front of you drawn by a wet sponge from the "water-baristas". Watching them dry represents the essence of life – having it pass by you.

Testimonials are calling it the recreational power-house perfectly suited for the dull and feeble, seeking refuge from misunderstanding, as well as the strong-minded, but incapacitated. The first to offer their insights of the activity could say little. They were holding onto dear life by a mere thread, just like the next seven participants.

The eight customer of the wall-sittery, however, said this, they said:
– «I love it, I have no power at all after the heavy week, all I need is wall.»
– «Do you prefer this specific wall?», asked our correspondent.
– «I lack the capacity to say anything concrete.»
– «Are you sure?»
– «Wall.»

They say they'll do anything, but go outside, they can't remember seeing grass. A sterile room recontextualizing the office walls in a positive light, while actually being in the nature doesn't make even a distant second. The modern man has solidified its place in the concrete jungle as number one. Number one in sophistication in plainness.

Long time coffee drinker and moka pot user Raitis Veinbahs (pictured below) has burned yet another moka pot! The incident transpired on September 1st in the sunny seaside town of Jūrmala, where the moka pot in question was resting happily on a gas stove, unaware that it is once again going to be absolutely god damn burned for the 1000th time by its rightful, but very forgetful owner!

Unfortunately, the press has not been able to receive access to footage of the incident, despite repeatedly trying to persuade the owner to release the footage, knowing full well, this mouth-breather must have a camera in someplace or another, as this by now is almost a daily recurrence.

During the interview with the press, the owner of the moka pot laughed, saying stuff like "I should have known better" and "I really don't care how it tastes in the end, I just drink it", although later showed regret, claiming "this isn't very adultlike" and frankly saying he feels "stupid", after unsuccessfully trying to force the spoiled, smelly drink onto the news crew.

Even though such accidents are entirely avoidable and just require basic precautions to prevent them from happening again, there is little hope the steps to mitigate the problem will ever be taken. In response to our inquiry in regards to the incident, the head of the local fire department said: "Incidents of this kind are not out of the ordinary and usually result in little harm, however this rabid specimen really is special and he should have really learned how to operate fire a long time ago."

Researcher at the University of Latvia has stated that such coffee preparation techniques resemble those of a medieval alchemist with dementia and has called upon his friends and family to protest the sale of moka pots and in hopes to avoid "bad coffee" in the neighborhood and urged others to do the same.